You Taught Me How To Leave
by salidagirl
Summary: What happens when Jude picks up Tommy's habit of taking off every time things go wrong? Picks up after season two.
1. And On Your Doorstep I left Roses

**Hey everyone, this is a fic that I have been working on for quite a while on dls. I have it pretty much complete, so I thought that I might post it here to see what you all thought. Anyways, as we are all surely aware, I do not own instant star or any of the characters associated with the show. However, this story and the songs that it contains are mine. That being said, I hope you enjoy it!**

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And on your doorstep I left roses

Jude opened the door in a rush, cursing herself for running late yet again. Darius was on her case about her current state of disarray and wanted a song by closing time. Problem was, she didn't have a song, she didn't even have a concept. She hadn't written a single word worthy of being spoken aloud since her release party and she was working on zero inspiration. She spent her days in a cloud of self pity and anger, and that in itself brought on more self pity and anger. Jude had heard Liam refer to her current state as wallowing, but she had just responded by grabbing a pint of chocolate ice cream from hospitality and wasting the day away on the G-Major couch.

Slamming the door behind her, Jude nearly tripped over a vase of flowers sitting square in the middle of the steps. She picked them up, admiring the fiery shade of the roses. She had always secretly loved the bold, unusual color. They were deep orange with the slightest undertone of red. Each one was full and bright, meticulously chosen and arranged and they smelled of springtime and happiness. She sighed, turning back toward the door. They were Sadie's no doubt. Kwest had made a habit of getting her flowers, though Jude was slightly surprised, he usually went for the more classic red and pink, knowing Sadie's taste.

Half way to the door, Jude stopped short catching sights the crisp white envelope peeking out of the flowers. In tiny flowing letters a name was written, and it wasn't her sister's. _Jude_. The outside of the envelope read. Jude frowned at the strangely familiar handwriting. They were for her? That didn't make sense. People didn't buy her flowers. It wasn't her thing. She felt a lump grow in her throat as she recalled a conversation she had nearly forgotten about.

"_I never took you for a stop and smell the roses kind of girl, Harrison." He laughed, clearly amused by Jude's face buried in a bouquet of fiery roses. She had stopped abruptly at the flower stand, nearly getting left behind by her companion. "In fact, I never took you for the flower type at all." She glanced up at him and shrugged her shoulders throwing him a nonchalant look._

"_I'm not." She started, picking up the bouquet. "Fiery orange roses however are different. They are my secret weakness." She said in a stage whisper. She then put her hand over her mouth in mock surprise. "Oh no, my secret is out. I do believe I am going to have to kill you now." She raised her eyebrows devilishly and he stepped back in mock fear holding up his hands to protect himself_

"_I'll buy them for you if you spare my life." He closed his eyes as if waiting to be struck down by the girl holding a bouquet of roses. A moment later he reopened them to her beaming smile, barely visible over the roses. He grinned back, pulling out his wallet, paying for the roses. They linked arms and walked away from the flower vendor laughing and joking together._

She shivered slightly as the realization hit her. She scrambled for the card, pulling it off of the plastic stick it was perched on. Her stomach fell as she struggled with the seal. There was only one person who knew about her love of orange roses. Pulling the white envelope off of the card, her eyes went wide. The world ceased to spin as her eyes locked with the delicate handwriting. She didn't hear the vase crash to the ground and shatter, the water spilling all over the concrete and soaking through her boots. She didn't notice the flowers sprawled all over the steps as if casualties of a tragic battle. She didn't notice anything. All she could see was the card, or rather the three simple words it held. They consumed her, making her oblivious to the world.

_I'm Sorry._

_-Tommy_

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**So, let me know what you thought, I would love to hear from you!**

**S.G.**


	2. A Rose in the Wind

Chapter Two – A rose in the wind

Jude couldn't comprehend what she was seeing. Was his name really written at the bottom of the card? Her brain just wasn't processing correctly at the moment._ Am I imagining all of this? _She couldn't deal with it. She couldn't deal with any of it. She dropped the card and stepped over the mess she had made, leaving it behind for someone else.

In a confused daze she walked to her car. Reaching for the door handle she caught sight of something orange in the seat. She looked again; choking back tears she realized there were more roses. She jerked the door open, lifting the vase and sliding in beneath it.

The air in her car was filled with the sweet scent of the roses. She inhaled deeply, losing herself in it for a moment, forgetting the tears that were coursing down her cheeks. She reached for the card and the real world crashed back through the moment. She studied it through red rimmed eyes. Just like the first, the envelope was crisp white with her name written neatly in the middle. Taking a breath she opened it, not ready for the reality it held.

_I missed you_

_-Tommy_

She stared at it for several minutes until the edges of her vision started to blur. She dropped the card and started her car. Stepping on the gas a little too hard she backed out of the drive. Tears were now coursing down her face and the numbness was seeping away. The emotion that replaced it was somewhere between rage and sadness.

Jude drove in the opposite direction of G-Major, heading for the highway. She rolled down the window and felt the cool air whipping her hair. Stepping on the gas she felt the cold air increase and she felt mesmerized by the air rushing around her. _Can roses fly? _She thought to herself. Pulling one of them out of the vase she held it dangerously close to the open window. Quavering slightly she loosened her grip on the stem, allowing it to be taken by the draft of air. As it slid away, the rose made one last desperate attempt to save itself, the thorn catching on Jude's finger and tearing the skin.

Jude cursed, bringing the finger to her mouth. She bit it harshly only adding to the pain. Reaching down she grabbed another rose, staining one of the petals with a drop of blood. _I can't do this._ She thought as she let it go. _I can't love him again. _Almost mechanically she reached down, pulling another rose free from the watery depth. Holding it tightly she stuck her hand all the way out the window and let the air pull at the rose in her hand until it finally slipped through her fingers.

One by one she let the roses fly out the window. Rose number four flew with a slurry of curse words directed at Tommy. Number five carried with it a handful of apologies, to herself, to Tommy, to the world, and to the fallen roses. The quietest whisper of love accompanied number six on its journey. Seven heard nothing but silent sobs as it wavered in the wind, saying goodbye to a broken hearted Jude.

There were only five roses left as Jude turned onto a quiet dirt road. She was still traveling well over the speed limit, but that had ceased to matter long before. She grabbed number eight staring at it briefly before letting it go, watching the petals scatter in the rearview mirror. Number nine met the same fate, carrying with it silent questions of where he had been and why he had left. She asked number ten why she cared so much. But it didn't answer so she clenched her jaw and threw it out the window. Glancing at number eleven the answer to her question seemed to drift from the recesses of the silky petals._ Because you love him._ She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to admit the truth as she threw number eleven out as well.

With only one rose left in the vase Jude pulled her car into a clearing near a tiny lake. Getting out, she took the rose and walked to the edge of the dock. She sat there for some time, holding the rose to her chest. Her tears fell on it, causing the petals to glisten in the bright sun.

Eventually the tears dried and Jude looked down at the rose. It was fiery and beautiful, yet it was painful to look at. It represented so much. It held happiness and beauty, memories and love, yet it also held tears and pain. Jude closed her eyes and kissed the silky rose gently before throwing it in the lake, watching the very thing she loved float away.


	3. Teardrop on a Rose

Chapter Three – Teardrop on a rose

Jude walked into G-Major with her head downcast and her shoulders slumped. Walking through the lobby she ignored Sadie as she tried to catch her attention, eyes filled with questions. She walked past Spied and Mason both of whom glanced down at her with protective glances. She didn't even notice them. She reached the door to the studio and twisted the metal handle. Feeling the door unlatch she pulled it, stepping into the room. Feeling a presence in the room Jude started to speak without looking up.

"Sorry I'm late, Kwest. I-" She stopped short when the flowery scent reached her nose. Turning around slowly she caught sight of the fiery roses sitting on the soundboard. Just like the first two, the bouquet of roses was meticulously chosen and arranged, creating a beautiful picture. They didn't hold her attention for long however because she immediately took notice of the person sitting next to them.

Shaking her head she backed herself up against the wall, trying to get as far away as she could. He stood up as if to close the gap between them but faltered when he saw the broken look on her face. The two stood in a silent standoff for several minutes until Tommy couldn't stand the feeling of Jude's eyes burning into his any longer and he turned away.

When he turned back around, his head was hung low and sadness was etched into his features. Several times he opened his mouth and then closed it, not knowing how to begin. He touched the petals on one of the roses, hoping it would give him the strength to say what he needed to. Finally he spoke, his voice coming out soft and quavering.

"Jude, I-" He began, stopping halfway through his thought. He faltered, biting his lip roughly. "I made a huge mistake." He looked up at her, wincing at the icy blue eyes staring back at him. They were devoid of all emotion. He swallowed his fear and pushed on, trying to remember the words he had rehearsed. Instead of coming out cool and confident as they were in his head, they came out desperate and pleading.

Halfway through Tommy's speech Jude felt her emotionless mask start to crack. Up until then she had watched him through blurry eyes and a stone face as he paced the room apologizing for every wrong he had ever done. She didn't hear what he was saying, because it didn't matter. There was only one thing that she wanted to hear from him. It was the answer to the question that had haunted her for weeks. Why did he leave? What was so important that he could just give her up, throw her away? The answer never came and when she realized that it wasn't going to, the crack finally broke.

Tears began to slide down Jude's cheeks as she watched the scene before her. She didn't realize she was crying until she tested their saltiness on the edges of her lips. She began to panic as her stiff resolve crumbled and she stopped listening to Tommy altogether. _Why did you leave me? _She screamed inside of her head. She waited for him to read her mind but he just continued with his pleading apologies.

Suddenly the dam of emotions broke and Jude began to drown in the flood of sadness and anger. She screamed inside of her head for Tommy to see her, to hear her. She cried for him to stop and look at her, to hold her, but he didn't. He continued to pace and apologize, afraid to look at her. To him, her silence was the most frightening thing, and he was determined to apologize until Jude said something, anything.

Before Jude realized what was happening, she had crossed the small space between her and Tommy. She grabbed up the vase of roses and held it unsteadily staring at it as though she had never seen anything like it before. Noticing her movement Tommy stopped his pacing and turned toward her, freezing when he saw the glass vase balanced precariously in her hand. His eyes went wide and the color drained from his face as he held his hands up in front of him, afraid she was going to throw the entire thing at him. A moment of eerie silence passed between them before Jude did in fact throw the vase. She threw it hard at the ground, watching it crash violently to the floor. The shattering glass could hardly be heard over her screaming, which was no longer inside of her head.

"Why Tommy? Why did you leave me? Why does everyone leave me?" She screamed, her voice cracking and her face turning deep red. She stopped suddenly and looked around the room in stunned silence. She glanced at the shocked Tommy, whose mouth was hanging half open. Squeezing her eyes shut she willed it all to go away. When she opened them back up, she found the same horrific scene.

Before Tommy had a chance to react Jude had taken off for the sound booth. Slamming the door, she grabbed a stool and shoved it under the door handle, effectively locking out the rest of the world.

Separated by a sheet of soundproof glass, two people broke down. They cried for themselves, for each other, and for the roses. They were all casualties of their tragic battle, silent to the rest of the world.


	4. The Song That Holds Us Still

Chapter 4 –The song that holds us still

Three hours passed with Jude locked inside the soundproof booth and Tommy watching her from the other side of the glass. He didn't move, didn't speak. He just sat and watched.

At some point, Kwest opened the door of the studio timidly and poked his head in long enough to ask if he was alright. Tommy didn't answer; he just continued to stare longingly through the glass. Kwest sighed and closed the door again, returning with a sandwich and a cup of coffee. He left them on the soundboard for Tommy, hoping he would at least take a moment to eat. The sandwich remained untouched and the coffee grew ice cold over time.

Sadie entered the studio as well, carefully gathering up the fallen roses before sweeping the glass off the floor. She watched Tommy watching Jude for a moment and felt her heart break for them. They were both so lost. She finally left the room, leaving Tommy alone to sit and watch.

Jude sat against the back wall of the sound booth staring through the glass window. She knew he was sitting on the other side of the glass, and it was killing her. She wanted to beat the hell out of him and then kiss him senseless. She wanted to scream and cry, but she also wanted to laugh and smile. She wanted her old life back; the one that had existed just a short time ago, where Tommy kissed her and asked her on out. That life had ceased to exist. Instead she had a life where she destroyed perfection and locked herself in glass boxes.

After some time Jude found herself running her fingers along the smooth strings of the guitar sitting next to her. She touched them softly at first, not even enough to entice the slightest movement. Gradually she put more pressure onto the strings as she ran her fingers over them. The strings vibrated slightly, creating the softest of sounds. Feeling the power of the vibration, Jude began to run her fingers across them, feeling the vibration carry through her body. She picked up the guitar and strummed absently, a soft melody filling the room.

Jude tried to lose herself in the music but every time she closed her eyes, she was assaulted by a barrage of images. The roses haunted her with their fiery passionate color. The shattered glass sparkled in her mind. The drop of blood from her finger seemed to glow in her memory. The images danced behind her eyes as if performing some sort of ritual dance and right in the center, the image of Tommy's face. 

Just as powerful as the onslaught of images was the rush of words that flowed out. Jude let herself go, rearranging the words until she felt like she had created something. Ragged and exhausted from the toll her emotions had taken on her, she set the guitar down, pulling herself off the floor. She felt numb as she walked toward the door, leaving her feelings in the guitar, in the lyrics.

Pulling the stool out from under the handle, Jude opened the door of the sound booth and stepped out. Tommy jumped up, looking as if he had seen a ghost. She walked past him and straight out the other door into the G-Major lobby. She searched out Kwest, finding him in hospitality with Sadie. Walking straight up to them, Sadie nearly dropped the bottle of water she was holding.

"Darius wants a song by the end of the day." She said, her voice empty and quiet. 

"Are you sure Jude? I'm sure he would understand-" Jude cut him off, not leaving any room for arguing.

"Just come press record." She turned around and walked away, leaving Kwest and Sadie with baffled expressions on their face.

Ten minutes later Kwest was standing in front of the soundboard, Tommy sitting next to him. They watched through the glass as Jude got situated in front of the microphone. She nodded to Kwest, who silently pressed record. He sat down next to Tommy and listened to the beginning of Jude's song. It was soft and slow, yet even the simple guitar chords held a passion that was rare. Neither Kwest nor Tommy was prepared for the words that flowed out of Jude's mouth.

A battleground  
Of casualties  
They're delicate  
Left out to freeze  
Can roses fly?  
There's too much wind  
An open window  
Is my best friend

Talk about an orange crush  
What you waitin' for  
An orange crush  
From here to my front door  
Shattered glass  
And shattered dreams  
Unshed tears  
And silent screams  
Orange crush  
Nothing more

A perfect rose  
Still has a thorn  
It pricks my skin  
The world is torn  
A drop of blood  
Stains my soul  
The petals fall  
No longer whole

Talk about an orange crush  
What you waitin' for  
An orange crush  
From here to my front door  
Shattered glass  
And shattered dreams  
Unshed tears  
And silent screams  
Orange crush  
Nothing more

A secret love  
A fiery rose  
A sacrifice  
That no one knows  
A broken bond  
A frozen rush  
It drowns us all  
Orange crush

When the song was finished neither Tommy nor Kwest could move. They stared through the glass and watched the tears flow down Jude's face. Feeling suffocated suddenly, Jude bolted from the studio, running through the lobby and out the front doors. She needed to get away. Away from the song she had just sung and the emotions she had let out. She needed to get away from her sudden reality, so she ran.


	5. Flowers Speak Louder Than Words

Chapter Five – Flowers speak louder than words

It was several hours after the sun had set when Jude finally pulled her car into the driveway of the Harrison home. Climbing out she saw Sadie's figure outlined in the moonlight. She was sitting on the front step in darkness, staring at the sky. Jude sat down next to her, matching her posture, leaned back, head tilted toward the sky. They sat like that for quite some time, engaged in some silent sisterly moment.

They never once spoke a word. They didn't have to. Sadie didn't tell Jude about driving through Toronto with Kwest and Tommy, watching for any sign of her. Jude didn't speak of the dirt road she had driven down, not stopping until she couldn't hear the buzz of the city any longer. They didn't talk about the fact that Sadie had watched Tommy cry, the worry on his face so desperate that it hurt Sadie to even look at him. There was no mention of the abandoned rose that Jude walked around the little lake frantically searching for, finally finding it on the far bank, looking almost as rough as Jude felt. Jude had delicately cleaned the mud off of it, amazed that it was still beautiful. She held it now as she contemplated the last fourteen hours.

"Did Darius like the song?" Jude finally said, ending their unspoken conversation. She turned toward Sadie with her head down.

"Liked would be an understatement; more like worshipped. I think the word he used was dynamite. He's glad to see you writing again. We all are." Jude sat on the darkened doorstep, lost for words. There was so much going on in her head, and yet, there was nothing to say. She hadn't figured anything out far enough to formulate words, so they just sat. After a few moments, Sadie's phone interrupted the sound of silence in the air. Flipping it open she listened for a moment before quietly speaking.

"Yeah, she's here." Jude listened as she twirled the damaged rose in her hands. It was her legacy, her identity; beautiful and damaged. She silently wished she could rewind time, to have the chance to reclaim the beautiful roses, to love them. They were everything she wanted to be; wild and untamed, yet sophisticated and lovely. They were everything she wanted, and everything she threw away.

Sadie watched Jude stare at the fiery rose in the darkness. She stared at it so intently, as if wishing it would take her back to the moment she found them. After a few moments Sadie put her hand on Jude's shoulder. Startled, Jude glanced up at her.

"Come on, I have something to show you." Jude gave her a confused look but Sadie just smiled softly and stood up. Trailing behind her, Jude followed her into the house. Walking quietly up the stairs, Sadie led Jude to her bedroom, opening the door. Jude gasped at what she saw, leaning against the doorframe to keep from falling over.

"The roses! Sadie, how did you?" She asked, stepping gingerly toward them as if they might disappear into thin air if she got too close. Running her fingers across the edges of the petals, she turned back around and gave her sister a dumbfounded look.

"I found them after you left. I saw the card and decided you might want them back. The other vase is the ones from the studio. I'm not sure where you got the other rose from, all of them were there." She looked at Jude, wondering if she had missed something.

"There was a third vase." She said quietly.

"What happened to them?" She asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

"I threw them out the window." Jude said, wincing at the memory. "On the highway." She covered her face with her hands as her eyes threatened to spill over. She remembered the way the roses looked right before she let them go, struggling against the wind as if they were desperately crying out to her. She cried for them. Sadie wrapped her sister in a hug, wishing silently that she could take her pain away. After a moment Jude wiped her eyes and looked up at her sister.

"Thanks, Sadie." Jude said earnestly. Sadie just nodded and smiled sadly before quietly leaving the room. When Jude was alone she once again ran her fingers over the rose petals and thought about the events of the day. Noticing a small white envelope between the two vases, Jude picked it up, turning it over slowly in her hands. It was identical to the two she had opened. Knowing it must be from the third vase she stared intently at it. She was afraid to open it. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and broke the seal. She pulled the card out, opening her eyes ever so slightly to read it.

_I love you  
-Tommy_


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